Wednesday, May 22, 2013

The Day Before

Well, tomorrow's the day.  Tomorrow at 11:30 am, I go under the knife.  Last night it was impossible to sleep; tonight will probably be the same.  So many thoughts keep galavanting through my mind, all crowding into one another like over-stimulated aristocracy at a  Regency-era cotillion (oh, thank goodness all this has not hindered my ability to make metaphors):

  • Will my three months of nearly constant headaches come to an end (or at least lessen) tomorrow?
  • How are my students going to do on their finals without me helping them prepare?
  • Did I teach them well enough?  Oh gosh, what if I didn't?
  • What if I can't bear the pain and have to switch to general anesthetic during the operation?  What if that means Dr. Ai can't do the adjustment correctly?
  • How am I going to get dressed the morning after, when both eyes are bandaged up?
  • How will I keep from going crazy having to sit out the last weeks of the school year in order to recuperate?  Could I maybe go in and just stay on the first floor . . . . no, too many stairs just getting there.
  • But what about the students who are leaving our school?  I want to see them one last time!
  • How much more help am I going to have to ask for?
  • I hate asking for help!  Argh, I don't want to keep burdening other people!
  • I know it's going to hurt, I know it's going to hurt . . . how much?
  • What if I accidentally move during surgery, right when she's cutting?
  • Thank goodness Jane is coming to help me make it home; she's so comforting.
  • Oh man, I am going to be blind at Beijing airport!!!  How the heck is Jane going to get me through there?
  • What if it doesn't work?
I know it's going to be fine; I know I will survive.  I really am focusing on the 75% chance of success — I'm no gambler, but I do know those are good odds.  I am still keeping my sense of humor, even when I've got worries tumbling around inside.

I thoroughly appreciate the fact that my flight out of Beijing Friday night is a red eye!

No comments:

"Passage—immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins! Away, O soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
Cut the hawsers—haul out—shake out every sail!
Have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
Have we not grovell’d here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
Have we not darken’d and dazed ourselves with books long enough?

Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go, And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

O my brave soul!
O farther, farther sail!
O daring joy, but safe! Are they not all the seas of God?
O farther, farther, farther sail!"

~Walt Whitman, "Passage to India"