Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Monster in My Bedroom

Today is a housework day for me. I decided to deep clean the apartment and to finally end my storage woes by investing some of my tax return money in containers short enough to fit under the bed and in a narrow bookcase for my hall. Big Lots was most obliging in carrying exactly what I needed, at about twenty dollars less than I had intended to spend. Victory! I brought my new treasures home and carried them into the bedroom, ready to start assembling that bookcase. First, of course, I needed to move a few work-out clothes that I had piled next to the closet (no, I don't store them there normally - I had set them there while packing to go to MI, but then decided not to bring them and forgot to put them away). I moved the clothes and found . . . the one creature that terrifies me more than anything else in the entire world.

No, not a liberal politician. Something even more ominous and horrifying. Yes, a spider. A brown spider. A very LARGE brown spider.

At first I was mesmerized with fright, unable to move at all. I stared at the enemy on the floor, willing myself to do something, ANYTHING! The spider just sat there, his multiple eyes gazing directly at me, clearly planning out how best to massacre me. Finally, I convinced my legs to move, slowly inching out to the living room, where I grabbed a clear plastic container. I placed it over the monster, figuring at least this way he couldn't do anything dreadful, like jumping at me or hiding, while I figured out what to do next. Recalling an insect-collecting assignment that I had in my sixth grade science class, I filled a cotton ball with nail polish remover and placed it in with the spider, then stacked heavy objects on top of the container, to cut off any fresh air from reaching him. Then I went out to research online whether or not my heinous foe was poisonous.

Now my regular readers all know the kind of luck that I have. So, naturally, you already know that no harmless spider would be involved in an incident with me. No, I rate the poisonous variety, unfortunately. After carefully looking through the thirteen (shudder) species of spiders that call Virginia home, it was pretty obvious which one is in the bedroom. It is a brown recluse. He's identical to the one in the picture - so much so, that I wonder if perhaps he posed for it.

I am now going to spend a great part of the rest of the day praying to God that the monster in my bedroom is either male or infertile - I don't even want to think about that beast leaving eggs somewhere!

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"Passage—immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins! Away, O soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
Cut the hawsers—haul out—shake out every sail!
Have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
Have we not grovell’d here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
Have we not darken’d and dazed ourselves with books long enough?

Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go, And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

O my brave soul!
O farther, farther sail!
O daring joy, but safe! Are they not all the seas of God?
O farther, farther, farther sail!"

~Walt Whitman, "Passage to India"