Saturday, December 20, 2008

Regarding the Idiots among the Human Species

There exists within the human species an alarmingly increasing population of a subspecies known as stupi-lecherousicus malicus. Otherwise known as "very pathetic men with more fingers than brain cells." This group adds nothing of value to society, finds themselves exceedingly attractive, and is still waiting to progress to the mentality of being able to create fire. These louts troll about the world insulting women by viewing them as bodies, rather than human beings with minds. To be fair, many women assist them in this lifestyle by their own behavior and clothing choices. Still, that does not excuse away their idiocy.

Men of the world, lest all of you turn into this mangy subspecies of bottom-dwellers, allow me to give you three simple rules for conversing with the opposite sex:

1. It is NEVER acceptable to address a woman whom you are not acquainted with, and are not currently in a bar with, by terms such as "babe," "hottie," or "sexy." These terms are not compliments. They are demeaning, and in using such terms, you are telling the woman (regardless of your intent) that she is nothing more than a piece of cheap meat to you. Yes, there are women insecure enough to enjoy such treatment, but I assure you, they are a minority.

2. When you are speaking to a woman, your eyes should be on her FACE. A woman's face, for those who may not know, is NOT located on her upper chest. It is circular or oval in shape, and usually has two eyes, a nose, and a mouth on it. It rests upon something known as a neck. If you are staring at two circular shapes that do not have eyes, nose, and mouth, then you need to direct your gaze upward.

3. Before acting or speaking, try the following technique to avoid causing insult: Ask yourself, "Would I say or do this if I were speaking to another man? Would I say or do this if I were speaking to my mother or grandmother?" If the answer to one or both of those questions is "no," than perhaps you should rethink what you are about to say or do.

There are a great many very nice men in the world, and it is not fair to them when others act like animals in heat. Such behavior causes women gradually to start hating men in general, and this is neither healthy nor desirable. Such behavior also leads women to feel like commodities.

Women, you too can do your part to stop this trend in male behavior from spreading. When addressed in a manner that you find inappropriate, or that makes you feel even slightly uncomfortable, do not giggle girlishly and thus make such behavior seem acceptable. Instead, give the jerk the "burning glare of death" and try one or more of the following responses:

1. "I am a not a piece of meat."
2. "Thank you for showing me that all you care about is my body. You have saved me from wasting valuable time getting to know you."
3. (To be used when a super-lech touches you without reason or consent) "I have a rare, highly contagious form of leprosy."
4. "Sorry, vomit just came up in my mouth."
5. "Save that line for a girl who rents by the hour."
6. "Finally! An answer to the question 'who is the least attractive man in this city.'"
7. "I have a brain, too. It's telling me to leave now, because I am in the presence of pure stupidity."
8. "Go take a cold shower and come up when you're ready to talk to me like a man, and not a pathetic little boy."

(In case you are interested, I have found great satisfaction in using responses #2, 4, and 5. The others have yet to be tested, but I'm sure I'll have the "opportunity" before long.)

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"Passage—immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins! Away, O soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
Cut the hawsers—haul out—shake out every sail!
Have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
Have we not grovell’d here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
Have we not darken’d and dazed ourselves with books long enough?

Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go, And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

O my brave soul!
O farther, farther sail!
O daring joy, but safe! Are they not all the seas of God?
O farther, farther, farther sail!"

~Walt Whitman, "Passage to India"