Monday, January 25, 2010

Danger - Cleaning Products!

While cleaning today, I just happened to glance at the instructions on the product I was about to use, and then proceeded to scare the daylights out of my dog with the resulting burst of laughter. What caused this ruckus? The safety information, of course! That made me check a few more products . . .

On the back of Bowl Fresh automatic toilet cleaner:
"Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet."
--Seriously? You mean it's not healthy to let my kid drink out of the toilet? Also, note that it says "not recommended" - implying that it's okay, just not recommended.

On the back of the Clorox Toilet Wand package:
"Not for personal use."
--Because I'm sure that many people buy a toilet brush intending to use it to reach those hard-to-reach spots on their back when they're showering.

On the back of my Lysol disinfectant:
"Do not spray in eyes."
--Well how else am I going to kill those nasty germs on my cornea??

On my Swiffer Sweeper (the actual sweeper, not the pads):
"Keep out of reach of children and pets to avoid accidental ingestion."
--I would really like to see a child able to swallow an entire broom. That would indeed be impressive. What are people feeding these kids?!

On the back of a box of off-brand disposable dusters:
"Do not ingest."
--But dusters are so temptingly tasty with just a little mayo!

On the back of my toothpaste:
"Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal. It is a violation of Federal law to use this product in a manner inconsistent with its labeling."
--Okay, I realize that one is not terribly comical. But can't you just picture some dumb, desperate kid sniffing and sniffing for hours trying to get high off of toothpaste, and then keeling over and having to be taken to the hospital? Imagine the poor doctor trying to keep a straight face while treating the kid! And, not only would the kid be thoroughly stupid; he would also have broken federal law!

Just think, they actually have to put these warnings on products because of real people. And these real people have the ability to drive, vote, and bear arms (and bear children...shudder!). Anyone else feeling a little frightened?

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"Passage—immediate passage! the blood burns in my veins! Away, O soul! hoist instantly the anchor!
Cut the hawsers—haul out—shake out every sail!
Have we not stood here like trees in the ground long enough?
Have we not grovell’d here long enough, eating and drinking like mere brutes?
Have we not darken’d and dazed ourselves with books long enough?

Sail forth! steer for the deep waters only!
Reckless, O soul, exploring, I with thee, and thou with me;
For we are bound where mariner has not yet dared to go, And we will risk the ship, ourselves and all.

O my brave soul!
O farther, farther sail!
O daring joy, but safe! Are they not all the seas of God?
O farther, farther, farther sail!"

~Walt Whitman, "Passage to India"